Pause. Take an inventory of your feelings today.

Today was not a traditional day that was conducive to a pause. Christmas landed on a Monday this year and I returned to work immediately for a regular Tuesday workday. At first I thought it didn’t feel right, maybe I needed the day off for a pause. But in reality I feel like going back to work was the structure that I needed after the chaos of the holiday.

Today, I feel tired but satisfied. The holiday had moments of chaos, but there were also moments of calm. My daughter is a little bit older now and doesn’t wake up at the crack of dawn to rush to open gifts. My partner and I were able to enjoy some coffee in the quiet while we waited for the children to wake up. We even exchanged gifts before the kids were awake. It was nice to be able to spend this quiet time connecting with each other. My daughter woke up first and she was excited but did not pressure to open gifts. She started on the small gifts in her stocking before her brother woke up, my partner and I were able to spend time with just her, and it was wonderful. My son is three and he was excited about the presents, but still a bit mystified. There was no mad rush to open the gifts, he simply worked on them (with assistance) one at a time and demonstrated an appreciation and excitement for each new item revealed. The morning, spent together with out four-person nuclear family was calm and joyful.

Christmas breakfast was an entirely different experience. Getting together with my parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews is chaos, but a happy buzzing kind of chaos. Once the kids were all through their gifts, the adults exchanged. I am thankful for this tradition because I love to demonstrate my love for my family through gifts and acts of service. I also feel overwhelmingly loved and taken care of in return.

We visit my partners family also. Reflecting on this makes me somewhat melancholy when I think of all of the different stops we would have on the holidays. Many of those family members have passed and traditions have changed. From 4-5 stops to just one. But I am grateful for the memories and for the continued opportunity to visit.

In the evening, my partner and I took time to go through some of the gifts and put them away. This left the living area relatively clean and clutter free. While this took some time, I think not having to come home to a cluttered living area allows for a feeling of peace, especially after a work day.

As I pause and reflect on my holiday and on my feelings, I realize that there is room for happiness and sadness. I can feel a range of feelings when I do not indulge the feelings of chaos and stress that could typically follow a holiday. I am holding space for the past and enjoying my present. I feel fulfilled and at peace today.